How to write insults like Shakespeare – five-step guide

Shakespeare was a master of many things, from sexual innuendos, riveting storylines, compelling characters, and of course the insult, the burn, the name-calling. There’s a lot to learn from this particular master, more than can be covered in a single blog post – so we will do a series of them! Today we will start with the insult.

In five easy steps, we will break down what made Shakespeare’s insults so great and how you can write your own using his methods – and of course, there will be plenty of examples from his works to admire.

Step 1 – Make it personal

Yes, that is the first step. If a situation is bad enough to warrant an insult of Shakespearean quality, it is bad enough to go below the belt and make things personal.

This particular scene is one of my personal favorites. Richard of Glouster (later known as Richard III) and his brothers have taken over the kingdom, stealing it from king Henry VI. The king’s wife and son are both help captive by the three brothers, and what does the young prince do? He starts calling them out on what they have done. He orders the new King to speak to him as a subject, for that is what he is supposed to be, and he tells the new king to kneel before him. He calls King Edward IV a traitor, knowing full well he has no power left of his own, the battle has gone to Edward.

This young prince has no power left but the sting of his words, and he chooses his words well. He calls King Edward “lascivious”, meaning basically horny or lustful. He calls George “perjured”, and then he calls Richard mis-shapen. Richard, who was born with a hunchback and a withered up hand. For the first two brothers the prince calls them out on their behavior, calling one a man-slut and one a liar, but for Richard he basically just says “dude, you ugly!”, going for physical description, for something Richard has no control over.

So what makes this so brilliant and not just a case of political incorrectness? Well, for one, the prince is about to be killed by these three brothers after his father gave up without a fight and just handed the kingdom over. For another, this is personal. This is not about hating on people who look different than others, this is about exploiting the weakness of the enemy.

His deformity plays a huge part in Richard’s life, he says about himself that he is:

cheated of feature by dissembling nature, Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time Into this breathing world, scarce half made up, and that so lamely and unfashionable That dogs bark at me as I halt by them

Richard III, act I scene I

and

since I cannot prove a lover, To entertain these fair well-spoken days, I am determined to prove a villain

Richard III, act I scene I

While these quotes appear long after the encounter in which the original insult was spoken they are part of a reoccurring theme for Richard. And as we can see he blames his misdeeds on his appearance, leaving the original insult that much more on point.

Of course, there’s an added brilliance to “dick” as well, since the nickname is a mis-shapen version of Richard’s name. (It is worth noting here that the modern connotations to the word Dick came to be long after Shakespeare’s time)

Step 2 – less is more and more is less

As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet “Brevity is the soul of wit”, and that holds true here too. We saw before how short a phrase it took to cause devastating insult to Richard of Glouster, now let’s see how it goes when more words are used.

This line is spoken between friends (though I use that word in the loosest of meanings). It is spoken by prince Hal (acting as his father King Henry IV) to Falstaff. The two share a complicated relationship, Falstaff being more interested in Hal for his title than his person, like a golddigger without the sex (though “without the sex” is a weird phrase to use about a Shakespeare play). Hal, for his part, seems to find Falstaff a strange acquaintance, but despite Falstaff’s many faults he never quits the old man’s company until he ascends the throne. This leaves an odd friendship, where Hall will continuously insult Falstaff to the most grievous extends, and yet Falstaff will always shake it off to remain in the good graces of the king to be.

In many ways, this insult has the opposite effect of the first one. Here, it is Hal who holds all the power, and Hal who insults his friend. This is long, where the other was short. This has no effect, it is laughed off by all who hear it, where the other was a verbal knockout.

We see throughout their acquaintance how Hal, despite all of Falstaff’s many, many faults, seems to have a soft spot for the old man, and he will never go beyond what he knows Falstaff can take and can recover from.

To make it even more clear that less is more, the first insult had an audience of maybe four people (former Queen Margareth, Richard, George, and the new King Edward). In this scene, however, there’s an inn full of people watching. The humiliation factor should be much higher here, and yet it provokes no negative reaction in the recipient, whereas the prince of Wales was killed for his sharp tongue.

Step 3 – use metaphors

Metaphors allow for new thinking, for surprises, and for great depth.

This one states that not only is your brain dry (meaning you are stupid), it also states that even after a long voyage where resources will have been limited, no one has been tempted to take you, and you have only gotten drier and drier as time has passed. On top of that, a dry biscuit will never be good again, it’ll stay the way it is or even get worse until someone has the good sense to throw it out.

This one is funny to me, it’s almost like it isn’t a true insult. For one, a candle is better when lit, not when burnt out. Burnt out is no longer serves any purpose, but is merely trash. For another, it is funny to me to hear the Chief Justice (who spoke the line) call Falstaff useful at all. That said, this insult shows excellent character. It shows us that the Chief Justice does not hold Prince Hal’s youthful escapades against him as much as one would think. If Falstaff is as a candle it means he had a useful purpose once upon a time, and since all Falstaff has done is cozy up to the prince and lead him astray (as much as it is possible to anyone to lead Hal anywhere), it means that the Chief Justice accepts that the prince needs a youth too, a chance to live his life before the crown becomes his burden – although now it is time for the old, fat man to step aside and let the prince enter the life he was meant to live.

This is not something I would have ever thought of the Chief Justice, but for in this one line. It adds an incredible depth to a side character.

Step 4 – Use what you know

For some reason, I keep thinking of Neal Caffery from White Collar here. It is one thing to be a sinner, but to do it intentionally for a profit is quite another. Imagine being called out like that! Even Neal Caffery keeps adding the word “allegedly” whenever someone talks about his past crimes.

Step 5 – phrase it as a wish to give it an extra punch

Wishing something better for someone is generally considered a good thing, a kind thing, but when you add a description of just how low this person is it serves as a double-edged sword, elevating you while bringing the other person down.

So there you have it, five tricks to make your next insult as hard-hitting as Shakespeare’s and leave your opponent thoroughly burned and possibly in need of medical assistance.

Bonus insults

Because they were too good to leave out