Virtually visit Denmark’s crazy cities!
Denmark has a lot to offer tourists – everything from the Little Mermaid sculpture to the wild and untamed shores of the Western sea. However, given what the world looks like today, not to mention all the travel restrictions, going to see these in person can be quite difficult – therefore I’m here to give you a virtual tour of some of Denmark’s cities and small idyllic towns. For the sake of those of you who don’t speak Danish or know how to pronounce Danish words (which is done by a combination of throwing out letters, swallowing your tongue, and of course having been bottle-fed Old Danish – a liquor with 38% alcohol – since birth) I have translated all the place names into English for your convinience.
Popular locations
Buy A Harbor (København)
Otherwise known as “Copenhagen” to foreingners, the capitol of Denmark is actually Køb-en-havn. Many will know this as the home of the Little Mermaid statue, and the Round Tower of which it has become a tradition for tourists to attempt to climb up all the steps for the sake of counting them (hint, there are no steps, cause King Christian IV who built it wanted to ride his horse-drawn carriage in it). You can also go see the queen’s guard and try to make them smile, cause the English shouldn’t have a monopoly on that.
Pro tip: Never wear yellow and blue when visiting Buy A Harbor. These are the colors of the Well-City (Brøndby) soccer team (in Denmark known as “football team”, since, you know, they use their feet to kick the ball), and a long-standing rivalry between Football Club Buy A Harbor and Well-City Sports Club have resulted in ear-catching tunes that you will never get rid of again – oh, and possibly a few fights.
Year House (Århus)
Despite the name, you are not required to stay for an entire year if you do not wish to. In fact, due to the popularity of this city rents are skyrocketing, and you could possibly go bankrupt staying for an enrite year. This city is one of the biggest in Denmark and is known as a “Studie city” due to the many educational institutions housed there. If Buy A Harbor is the Danish version of DC, then Year House is New York – complete with bad drivers. In fact, Year House is so well known for its bad drivers that people from this great city have had their own category of jokes made about them. For example, do you know why the guy from Year House put a window at the bottom of his car by his feet? Well, it was so he could wave to all the people he ran over. Now, can you guess why he removed it again? Well, it was because the people were rude and never waved back.
Apart from traffic jams (caused by all the red cars driving when the light is red, the yellow cars driving when the light is yellow, and the blue cars never knowing when they are allowed to drive) and the ever-present hoard of college students, Year House also offers exciting architecture, the constant fear of having your car run over by a bicycle, and a rainbow panorama view of the whole city from the top of Aros.
Pro tip: Take public transportation for your own safety, remember bikes outrank cars here, and always, always allow for a minimum of three hours waiting time for every 30 minutes of estimated travel time if you take DSB trains.
Peace Is In CIA (Fredericia)
Take a stroll down the streets of one of the most peaceful cities in Denmark. Built as a fortress city it has roads as straight as a ruler to provide the lookouts with ample opportunity to spot invading forces. This city is the perfect example of “if it ain’t broken don’t fix it”, leaving unused railroad tracks where they are and simply paving the new road around them.
The downtown outdoor shopping mall is filled with trees and plants, old cobblestone, and live water fountains, and I guarantee you that once you set foot there you will no longer be in any doubt what the famous Danish word “hygge” means. You can ever have a game of giant chess right there in the middle of the street.
Pro tip: Though the cannons are now just for decoration I would discourage all attempts at disrupting the peace in this beautiful city, for just outside the walls stands a new and far more fierce guard: Mads the Goat. If you mess with Mads, you’ll get the horns!
A dirty road trip
Apart from wildly popular tourist attractions, Denmark also has some… well, some awkwardly named cities and towns. For example, if you are in that mood, you could take a road trip from Make-Out (Snave), to Penis (Lem – OBS this word can also mean trapdoor), to Dick-Heat tavern (Pikhede kro), and then continue to Sperm (Sæd), from there visit Butt-cheek (Balle) and go all the way to Fart-Place (Hørmested). This trip will take you just under 12 hours if you don’t stop for gas. However, you might need a partner who knows the lay of the land and can find their way.
If you are looking to expand this experience a little, you can add Intestine (Tarm), or the city of drunken teenagers driving scooters known as Randers – which sounds uncannily like Screw-Us.
Pro tip: keep a good eye on the road, or you might end up in Hell. Literaly, you might take a wrong turn and find yourself in Helved.
All the Fortresses
It must be the Viking blood that does it, but Danes sure love fortifying places – and the oddest places too. I suppose Southern Fortress (Sønderborg) and Nothern Fortress (Nordbord) make somewhat sense, maybe even New Fortress (Nyborg), but what about Eel Fortress (Aalborg)? Or Scanner Fortress (Skanderborg)? Not to mention Our Ding Borg, Apprentice Fortress (Svendborg), and Us Fortress (Viborg)? And honestly, I don’t even know how to translate Kalundborg – it looks like someone misspelled Turkey Fortress (Kalkunborg – not a real place).
Pro tip: Anything can be fortified if you only want it badly enough! And as everyone knows, a pillow fort is better than no fort.
I don’t even know anymore…
Even having grown up in Denmark, sometimes you have to give up trying to understand the Danes or the city names. It is a wildly known fact that every village must have a lunatic, but it seems for some Danes one just isn’t enough, there’s a whole town called “Dandruff Crazy” (Skælskør) – whatever that is supposed to mean.
At least in Hate Stone (Hadsten), they are clear as to what they are all about, and honestly, some places could really learn a thing or two from them – for example, does Give Shots (Giveskud) give you tiny alcholic beverages, vaccines, or shots for your gun? Maybe instead of buying Greenland, the USA would like to claim this town as their own?
And last on this crazy list is Bully For Rent [Lejebølle]. And by this point I am admitting defeat – I have no rhyme or reason for this, and I have lived in Denmark long enough to know I will never find it. I will just stick to my apartment in Screw Us, pray to God the people in Buy A Harbor can get this pandemic under control, and maybe apply for an internship in Year House once The Old Town opens up again there. If you ever decide to visit Denmark in the flesh let me know and I’ll meet you in Hell.
Pro tip: Never try to make sense of Danish, Danes, or Denmark.