Teach me something
It was 2012
And it was summer.
The beginning of a new school year.
Home was split between 2A and Randers.
My days were filled with lessons.
My life was new.
It was interesting.
I wanted to know who the girl next door was
I wanted to get to know her.
I was told God was an eagle
Pushing it’s young out of the nest
But standing ready to catch it.
I was ready to be pushed.
The biggest questions on my mind were
How to fit in
And if learning danish comma was really that important.
The others began to know me by name
And Carina was fine by me.
I was young
And I was inexperienced.
I thought everything was fine
And perhaps it was at first.
It was 2013
And it was winter.
The beginning of a new year.
Home was split between 2A and Randers.
My days were filled with lessons.
My life was settling.
It was habitually.
I joined a club
We published a book.
I tried to bribe the principal.
I was out of the nest
And I thought I could fly.
The biggest questions on my mind were
How to get some peace
And if mindmaps were really that useful.
The others began to know me by nicknames
And ‘Blockbuster’ was humorous to me.
I was inexperienced
And I was either running or hiding.
I thought I could handle it
if I just got some air.
It was 2013
And it was summer
The beginning of a new school year.
Home was my apartment.
My days were filled with lessons.
My life was changing again
It was educating.
I no longer had the club
But I had the second best thing:
Rethorics as a class.
I was fascinated
And I wanted to learn it all.
I also wanted to learn it faster than my brain could.
The young eagle
was trying to make its own nest
And wanted nothing more
than for everyone to feel welcome.
The biggest questions on my mind were
How to learn more rethoricks faster
and if other subjects were really important for me.
The others began to know me by deeds
and ‘the Baker of Northern street’ was my favorite name.
I was hiding behind the others
but not realizing it.
I thought I could handle life
If it was all about them.
It was 2014
And it was winter
The beginning of a new year.
Home was my apartment.
My days were filled with lessons.
My life was unraveling
It was no longer about me.
My life had somehow become
the possession of everyone else
without anyone wanting it so.
It was beneficial to no one
But I thought I was doing good.
I would relieve my stress by baking
Knowing that it made others happy.
I figured it was the perfect setup.
I was a young eagle trying
to help the others fly
without knowing how to do so myself.
The biggest questions on my mind
Were how to survive economically
and if exams would really be that hard.
The others knew me as the Backer of Northern street
And I was trying so hard to live up to that honor.
I was stressed
And I was starting to realize it.
I stupidly thought it would be okay
if I just got a good rest over the summer vacation.
It was 2014
And it was summer
The beginning of a new school year.
Home was nowhere.
My days were filled with lessons.
My life was a mess
It was unstable.
I could barely make it to school
I could barely get out of bed.
What had before been about having fun and learning
had now become a disease to my mind.
Anxiety chained me to my bed
and I hated my apartment
which had been set up
to accommodate everyone else but me.
The eagle was desperately batting it’s wings
thinking with enough will power
it could fly.
The biggest questions on my mind
Were how to get through this
and if it would end soon.
A name needs something to refer to
and I was nothing.
I had given everything I had
In a failed attempt to help others.
Granted I might have helped a little
And granted, they still enjoyed my cake
But time lent a worthlessness to my struggles
and the results were lesser
than the energy behind them.
It was 2015
And it was winter
The beginning of a new year.
Home was nowhere.
My days were filled with hours.
This became the time of acceptance.
I finally accepted
That I couldn´t do everything.
I decided that a diploma
Wasn´t worth sacrificing my mental health for
And I quit school.
I moved back home
And I hid in my room.
I was proud of my choice
Proud that I had managed to say “no”
But I had waited too long
And stress had evolved into social anxiety.
Fear and four walls became my prison.
The biggest questions on my mind
Were what people thought of me
And how to move on.
A name needs someone to say it
And I was hiding from everyone.
I had finally managed to stand up for myself
And the pride of that accomplishment
Held the feeling of failure at bay.
It was 2015
And it was summer
The end of the school year.
Home was a cell in my head.
My days were filled with fears.
My friends were all graduating
And I could barely make it out of my bedroom.
The pride of saying “no”
Was the only medicine against the regret
I wanted so badly to share this time with them.
I foolishly thought dropping out
Had solved the problem
And more than anything
I wanted to get back in the saddle.
I bought schooldbooks
And started teaching myself.
I questioned nothing
I thought I had it under control
And that I was strong enough.
My name was pride
And I didn´t see my foolishness.
I was foolish
And I tried to do too much
And too fast.
It was 2016
And it was winter
The beginning of a new year.
Home was in Randers.
And my days were filled with tasks.
I got into a program
Designed to get me back
In the education system.
I showed up once a week
And sat in a room full of strangers.
Once again I had to move forward
Had to focus on the future
Had to live by someone else´s schedule.
I had one year to get well
And start an education.
One year isn´t much.
The biggest questions on my mind
Were why I was wasting my time on 6th grade English
And what would happen when my year was up.
I suppose my name was something geeky
But I didn´t really care – at least Shakespeare wasn´t boring.
I had gone back to the control of others
All for a social welfare check.
I felt dirty
Like I was selling myself.
Perhaps I was.
It was 2016
And it was summer
The beginning of a new era.
Home was in Unite.
My days were filled with anticipation.
The program taught me to be around others again
And I pushed myself to join a youth group.
Unite became the center of my week
The one thing I was looking forward to.
I still had problems
I still wasn´t perfect
But in Unite that´s alright
You can come as you are –
Even if talking to people terrifies you.
It helped me
It gave me hope and courage.
I eventually began retaking my senior year
But quickly found out it was too soon
And in no way worth it.
I dropped out again.
The biggest questions on my mind
Were if I would be strong enough to say my way or the highway
And how many days till the next Unite meeting.
The name I gave myself was dropout
And it made me feel strong.
It may have been a bumpy road
And it may have taken it´s time
But I was on the right track again
And this time I promised myself
I would stay here.
It is 2017
And it is winter
The beginning of something unknown.
Home is in me.
My days were filled with progress.
I am not certain what the next step is
Or how many steps are left
For now though
I will simply continue to experiment
Figure out on my own what works
And make my own mistakes.
I will continue the journey
And make sure to learn all that I can.
It will not be easy
It will not be painfree
But next time I stab a toe
It will not be because someone told me to.
The biggest questions on my mind
Are what the next step is
And how much I can learn getting there.
My name is Carina
And it´s time for her to embody all the others.
It will be hard
But it will be worth it.
I am ready to learn
Even if it takes time.