Chapter 7 – An admission of intent
Odin takes the walk of shame back to the other Asgardians in the company of Ian and Max, but Loki and Sigyn remain on the hill a little while longer. Sigyn looks out over what could have become a true battlefield. Somehow, it all worked out in the end, and no one got truly hurt. Somehow, that mad plan that had formed in her mind over the years, mostly as a fantasy to pass away the time, a dream of justice to keep up her spirits, had worked.
Loki cannot tear his eyes off her. She did it, the impossible task. Somehow, the woman everyone discounted, brought Odin to his knees in front of all of Asgard. There was a time where she would sneak around in the darkness if there was something she wanted, something she knew she should not want, like the night she first came to him. Today, she took what she wanted, by force if necessary, and she did it in front of all of Asgard. And yet, she had still somehow managed to make sure no one got hurt. Except herself, cause Odin hadn’t shown such consideration in sending his wolves on her.
With fingers as gentle as a summer’s breeze he reaches out and strokes her arm, just to let her know he is there and to not frighten her, she seems so engulfed in her own thoughts. Gently, delicately, he unties the shirt around her arm. It doesn’t look too bad. Well, that is a lie, it does look bad, with deep gashes and blood everywhere, but the blood is running slowly, and that is the best sign he could have asked for. As gently as he can, he ties the shirt around her arm again, tightening it as much as the odd fabric allows. She hasn’t moved or even acknowledged him.
“Thank you,” he whispers.
“I didn’t do it for you,” she replies, her voice so firm it almost sounds cold.
“I know,” he assures her. “Thank you for them, for saving them when I could not.” He hadn’t even considered that maybe Sleipnir would need saving as well as Fenrir, but Sigyn had. He had seen it in her from the get go, that some day she would pass him by, the student becoming the master, and now that day has come. She has no need of him anymore. She is capable of going after what she wants for herself now, and no one will be able to, or dare try, to stand in her way. He almost reaches out, just to one last time stroke the hair away from her face, to one last time feel her skin against his. She turns around, almost as if sensing his thoughts.
“What do you mean, saving them when you couldn’t?” she demands. “Loki, when have you ever in your life tried to save anyone but yourself?” She doesn’t shout, that would have been easier to take, she isn’t lashing out in anger, that he could have survived, but now, she asks in earnest, and it tears him up. He doesn’t know what to reply, so he does the only thing he can still do for her.
“I wish you all the best, Sigyn,” he says and turns his back on her, forcing his feet to carry him away.
“Loki Leaufeyson, don’t you dare walk away from me!” The sheer nerve on that man! After everything she has done for him, he is just going to leave her? No, not like this, not as if they were mere friends parting ways after a joined journey. Not like this, like none of it meant anything.
Loki halts, but he doesn’t turn around, he can’t face her.
“You don’t need me anymore.” He has to force the words over his lips. “You can take care of yourself now. Let me go.” Sigyn stands there in pure shock.
“So that’s it, is it? Just like that, you’ll be leaving? For how long? Forever? What is it? What did I do? What didn’t I do? Am I just not entertaining enough anymore?” Her words cut through him like sharpened steel, and before he can think it through, convince himself not to do it, he has turned around, pulled her close, and pressed his lips to hers. She doesn’t melt like she used to, and she doesn’t shove him away, it’s more like… Like she tolerates it. He lets her go. It is done, their bond broken, the spell dissolved.
“Promise me one thing,” he begs, his eyes boring into hers, looking for any part of her that is still the woman he fell in love with. “Whatever Sif or anyone else says, never believe that this was your fault. You… You are the light of my world, everything good about me lives in you.” He reaches up and digs his fingers into her braid, holding on tightly one last time. “But you don’t need me anymore. You, our sons, all my children, none of you need me, and all of you are better off with me gone.” The tear he had been holding back breaks through. Even if just this once, he has to go through with it, he has to be selfless. She did it for him for a thousand years, never wavering in her loyalty, no matter what he did. Just this once, he has to do the same for her.
Her hand collides with his cheek without warning.
“You don’t decide for me,” she whispers, a fury to rival Thor’s rasping in her voice. “After all these years, lifetimes, and you choose the moment you are leaving me to tell me that you care?” She puts a hand on his chest and shoves him back. The force sends him to the ground. “You can leave, if that’s what you want, but own up to it, admit what you are doing, and don’t you dare blame me for it.”
“I’m not blaming you!” he insists. “Didn’t I just say, just now, that this isn’t your fault, no matter what Sif might say?”
“Yeah, you did, in the same breath you used to tell me I am too weak to handle you, too fragile.” Loki gets to his feet again.
“I never said you were weak, not once.” He walks up to her and wraps his hand around both her wrists. He won’t be able to hold her back, but this way at least he will know if she decides to let her anger loose on him again. “You are stronger than anyone I know, far stronger than you should need to be.” Her eyes are filled with anger, with a sense of betrayal, but he recognizes her now, like this, with all her emotions bubbling to the surface. He strokes the hair from her face. “Don’t you see it? Without me, Vali and Nari would still be alive. I did what I always do, I came up with a scheme, and it all went wrong, nothing went as I had planned. It never occurred to me that I might be putting them in danger, I thought… I thought I could keep them save, keep you save, and as always, it all went wrong.” She looks back at him with big, scared, uncomprehending eyes.
“That’s what you don’t see, what you’ve never seen. You think I make these great plans, and everything goes just like I predicted it would. Most of the time I just come up with something on the spot, having no idea how it will play out. It was fine when it was just me, when it was only my head on the chopping block, but it doesn’t work anymore. I tried being someone else, I tried predicting the outcomes, but everything I do just turns to chaos, and I can’t keep you safe like that. I thought I could. I thought killing Baldur… Odin would be sure to know it was me, he would be sure to take me out of the picture. I never for a second imagined… You loved Baldur as much as anyone else, you see the good in everyone, and he is nothing but good – I figured even you couldn’t forgive such an act.” She stares up at him in shocked horror.
“You…”
“After they tied up Fenrir I knew it was only a matter of time before something happened to you or Nari or Vali. I never imagined it could backfire like this, that Odin would take his anger at me out on Vali and Nari. And I never dreamt that you… that you could possibly stand by me after that.” Sigyn looks at him in horror. This is not… he… no…
“You…” He killed Baldur… well, she had known he was the reason behind Baldur’s death for a thousand years, and she had always assumed that he… well, that his twisted logic had some kind of reason for it, or maybe that he did it because he was bored, Odin was right in that regard, Loki doesn’t do well with boredom. But to hear this… this confession… Baldur died because of her? “Why didn’t you just walk away?” she pleads. “You didn’t need to… he didn’t need to die, you could have just walked away, left me.” He looks down, too ashamed to meet her eyes, his hands now limp by his sides, no longer holding on to her.
“I’m not like you,” he mumbles. “I’m not selfless or loyal or kindhearted, I look out for myself, always have, always will. I couldn’t bring myself to leave you, I didn’t have that strength. I needed something that would force you to leave me, take the choice, the temptation, out of my hands.” And now she knows. She stood by him for a thousand years, but she won’t stay now. He should have told her back then, he should have suffered the cave, the snake, on his own, never relying on her, never allowing her to stay. But self-sacrifice was her forte. It had occurred to him over the years, his conscious nagging at him to make her leave, to make her go out and find a life of her own again, but he had never spoken the words. He is a coward at heart, he knows that. But know she knows, now it is done.
“You…” she takes in a deep breath. Loki holds his breath, waiting for the verbal blow that will hit him in a second. But when she speaks again it is with a calm voice, which is so much worse. “You did all of that, to try to manipulate me?” He doesn’t know what to say. It’s not like he can deny it, she knows now, he told her, and he knows that this is the worst thing he could have possibly done to her.
Sigyn just stares at him. His shoulders are hunched, as if in shame, and his head is bowed, as if in fear or what she will unleash on him. This is a betrayal like no other. Angrboda she could forgive, to some extent, she knew Loki wasn’t to be tied down, and if all the mighty men of Asgard, Thor and Odin, for example, could not stick to one woman, she had no right to expect anything more of Loki. Or maybe she had. If she is quite honest, the affair with Angrboda still hurts, probably always will. Loki was supposed to be different from the men of Asgard, he was supposed to be better. But Angrboda was a long time ago, and hurt though it might, she had found that it was not worth losing Loki over.
But Baldur, that is something else. A thousand years ago she had argued that death and life weren’t so different after all, it’s not like as if Baldur was suffering. He had a nice home in Helheim, and if his parents truly wanted to, they could have just visited him. It was really less like murder and more like forcing him to move. That, at least, was what she had told herself back then. And, to be fair, the whole “Baldur is so perfect” spiel could get a little irksome after a while, she hadn’t really blamed Loki for wanted to put a stop to that.
A thousand years ago, she had blamed everyone else. Frigg could have just done her job right, asked the mistletoe not to hurt her son, and it would all have been fine. Actually, she could have left her overreaction at home and not moved heaven and earth to make sure her precious son would never die. Even gods die, and no one can escape their destiny. Frigg was as much to blame for this as Loki was. As was Odin and his stupid game of live target darts. That was what she had thought, and now… Loki had planned it, all of it, to get rid of her. He would say “for her own good”, no doubt, but that still doesn’t change the fact that he tried to take the choice away from her.
“How could you do that to me?” She isn’t sure she really wants an answer, or if there is any answer he could give that would satisfy her, but the question is over her lips before she can decide not to ask it. She looks down at the grass on the hill, and Loki looks down at a different patch of grass. Maybe he won’t even answer. That thought somehow infuriates her even more, to be refused the dignity of an answer.
“Everything I touch breaks. I couldn’t stand to watch that happen to you too.” That isn’t really an answer, it’s a justification if anything. Sigyn shakes her head at the ground.
“Let’s just go, get this over with.” And with that she walks away, down the hill, across the field to where the Asgardians are waiting to hear Odin’s confession and promise.
